dream on

究竟一年神學之旅改變了什麼？我不知道；但可以肯定，拆毀多於建造；這也是我期望的，所以放心繼續走進天父的森林遊歷。

聽過別人這樣說：好的教育，是讓同學拿著「問號」進來，帶著「感嘆號」出去；友人接著說，可憐香港的「小填鴨」卻是拿著「問號」進來，帶著「句號」甚至「省略號」走的。我喜歡帶著「感嘆號」下課的感覺，然而大學教育給我不止一大堆「感嘆號」，還有更多的更多的「問號」；可能這就是吸引我回歸書叢的原因。

作為神學生（雖然未夠「薑」如同學ws般堅持「不講道，不實習，不宣教」；但這原則確是有趣，也點出傳統傳道人的限制），我自然想到：究竟有多少個崇拜能讓我帶著「感嘆號」離開？又：我是否天天帶著「感嘆號」開始讀經靈修的呢？對，是「帶著感嘆號」來到神的面前，不是要求每天有「讀經得著」的消費型信仰生活。

東正教的神學在這一年擴闊了我狹隘的視野，特別在「美」和「苦難」的課題上，豐富了我原有想法。Schmemmann在〈For the Life of The World〉提到：

"The liturgy is...the joyous gathering of those who are to meet the risen Lord and to enter with him into the bridal chamber. And it is this joy of expectation and this expectation of joy that are expressed in singing and ritual, in vestments and in censing, in that whole "beauty" of the liturgy which has so often been denonced as unnecessary and even sinful."

他們傳福音的方法就是時刻彰顯神的美，認為真理和美善自然吸引人歸信。作者坦言：

"Beauty is never "necessary", "functional" or "useful". And when, expecting someone whom we love, we put a beautiful tablecloth on the table and decorate it with candles and flowers, we do all this not out of necessity, but out of love. And the Church is love, expectation and joy."

我無意一面倒支持東正教，因為有部份福音派的傳統也是可取、可敬的。我心裡倒是常常掛念那些我親愛的、因為各種原因離開了教會的朋友，他們大部份對信仰比誰都認真，這是作為基督肢體的教會的損失。剛又得知一位好友決定離開教，令我不得不提筆作這初階者的神學反思……

"since i think being a Christian is something a lot more than just hae in the church...but then I know that the church is like that everywhere...so what can we really do??

My pastor offered me to go help out in the youth group...but if I don't really embrace the church's "vision" and the "gospel"...then I will be like starting riots and stuff...so don't know what to do..."

對不起，沒有經你同意引用了你的分享；但我真的很想說，我大概不會為你「能早日返回教會」祈禱，因為我們錯了，一直都錯了。要切切代禱的，不是「失喪的羊」（只有主有資格為我們冠上「失喪」之名），而是我們這個以為自己是好牧人的教會。

謝謝你今天提醒了我，當恆切為教會的悔改禱告。也送給你天父對我的安慰：孩子，對不起，他們讓你受苦、讓你累壞了；但你回去就當堅固你的弟兄，因為拆毁過後，我仍要建造。

j, it is easy to start a riot, even romantic to bring forth revolution; but He is more than that, He is subversive; He demands not our reformation but our transformation, which includes death and resurrection while the former does not. let the Lord demolish and let Him rebuild.

我還不知道，下一步該如何走。