dream on

七月，仲夏，初次跟海洋世界打照面，一見鍾情；然後，一直無法以文字表達其中那份感動。

十月，微涼，回到生命中第二個家，探訪八年來沒有見面的白雪；在友人的電腦中找到一首歌，我以為自己又回到了海底的世界。

回港後一直忙，待落葉把最後一抺秋涼帶走，我才安然坐下，記錄潛水的心情，記錄那一首帶我回到海床的寧靜的歌。

Sigur Rós - Samskeyti (Heima)

初次聽到這首歌，我興奮得對身邊的朋友說：this is exactly how i felt when i went snorkling! 那天晚上，我很滿足地接受未能以言語描繪心情的自己，從前的悵惘忽爾消散，因為在文字的盡處，是音樂的起始，相反亦然，at least in my little world。

在香港住久了，就漸漸忘記私人空間被吞噬的感覺。起初還會強烈厭惡，不住掙扎，後來就慢慢習慣了，看為想當然－－生活嘛，就是這樣。偶爾離開，讓自己停下來，回程之時那厭惡和掙扎又回來了。切膚的cultural shock，並沒有因為「練習」而變得輕省。唯有在山上、在海中，我才找到能與這城市共存的方法。在人群中累了，就退到山上，下到海中，享受那種不用言語的溝通、無條件的包容、心靈深處的完全被明白……

samskeyti可翻為'attachment'；在我而言，它訴說著心靈與海洋連在一起的故事。

life has been rolling on its own hasty pace since the day i stepped off the plane and ended my 26 days retreat at my other home, Toronto. i realized i need to MAKE TIME for reflection, so here i am, albeit the mountain of errands and responsibilites keeps growing at this very moment, let me try to make an little effort living the Ignatius way.

we begin with gratitude...

Oct 15: thank YOU for picking me up from the airport so early in the morning, and having my 1st Canadian breakfast with me at Cora...
Oct 16: thank YOU for taking me hiking, and lending me all the hiking gears, and preparing lunch...
Oct 17: thank YOU for driving me to church, taking me to visit uncle's grave, having family tea-time, driving me up to my old school, rolling down the slop with me...
Oct 18: thank YOU for dinner, welcoming me to your house to play with your lovely daughter
Oct 19: thank YOU for letting me rest after a few days of activity, treating me dinner and the long massage afterwards...
Oct 20: thank YOU for morning coffee and bagel at Starbucks mainstreet, for sharing your dreams and your love for us, taking me to Costco, sharing during the drives...
Oct 21: thank YOU for welcoming me to your house, cooking for me, letting me play with Dina, taking me to Lectio, having dinner with me...
Oct 22: thank YOU for driving me to the Distillery Market and appreciating art with me, and telling me your lovely stories and artistic thoughts...
Oct 23: thank YOU for the hugs and support when i'm in immense pain (and the warm blanket), taking me to Crux and Trin, treating me dinner at Moxie...
Oct 24: thank YOU for morning coffee at Timmy's, your sharings, driving me around, including me in your photoshoot, cooking me dinner at your house, bringing a song and singing along with me, sharing your stories, fears, gratitute, hopes and dreams, and endless MUSIC...
Oct 25: thank YOU for afternoon tea at Timothy's, sharing with me your pre- and post- wedding struggles, thoughts on work...
Oct 26: thank YOU for pre-paying for me (everything), riding the greyhound with me, sharing a cab, killing flies...
Oct 27: thank YOU for telling me to trust my art, giving me a few hundred acres to roam, speaking to me in the wind and the trees, touching my heart at the Jesuit cemetery...
Oct 28: thank YOU for the rain and indoor serenity, great rye bread (and butter), bumping into an old friend, profound space and meditation...
Oct 29: thank YOU for the timely cab, the smooth GO rides, warm dinner at home...
Oct 30: thank YOU for making the trip work (albeit the 5am morning call), the drive to Montreal, the good food/wine/beer/SMOKE MEAT/friendship/sharing/laughter/genuine fellowship...
Oct 31: thank YOU for the home worship, sharing of tears, worries, thoughts, struggles, plans...
Nov 1: thank YOU for taking time to shop with me, and a nice dinner =P...
Nov 2: thank YOU for Pho @ chinatown, sharing your exciting new discoveries/inspirations with me, your CD recommandation, SONIC BOOM, comfy ride back home on the GO...
Nov 3: thank YOU for the trip to Queen West, showing me the Gladstone, the Japanese paper-heaven, treating me lunch, the brisk-walk journey back, picking me up at the Finch kiss-n-ride, having sweet soup with us, mentoring us, guiding us with your experience and love...
Nov 4: thank YOU for sharing with me what you've seen or heard or experienced or thought about in the journey of spiritual direction, and giving me the "Bread" to sleep with (still reading it bit by bit every night)...
Nov 5: thank YOU for taking me out to lunch and sharing with me your PCS camp experience, taking the time to meet up with me even tho you're still jet lagging from your trip to HK, driving me all the way to Jacq's house and back, opening your lovely home to us and being such a great host, having dinner with me and reliving those lovely memories we had in university (go UT girls!)...
Nov 6: thank YOU for the long breakfast sharing and subsequent coffee chat, stolling the mall with me while telling me your stories and thoughts on faith, involving me in your evening gown picking expedition, driving me back and forth to 契媽's new house, cooking for the big bunch of us, singing to me (have fun at the wedding! btw), praying with me...
Nov 7: thank YOU for letting me sleep in, going to Chinese tea with me again, the perfectly quiet afternoon, taking me to visit Tigger and Pepper, and sharing the pints of beer and yam fries with me...
Nov 8: thank YOU for great morning coffee and sharing at Starbucks, praying at TooGoodPond, packing with me, driving me all the way to Pearson and remembering me needs in your prayers...
Nov 9: thank YOU for bringing me safely home, my other home, Hong Kong.

on the first day of the retreat, my spiritual director asked me to just roam around and enjoy the walk, and be grateful for whatever that comes to my mind. to me, the whole retreat started long ago, in fact, my whole trip back to Canada was THE retreat itself. and before i enter into the next stage in life, i found it essential to sit down and recollect my gratitudes, that i may offer them not only to God, who is the source of such, but also to those who facilitated the delivery.