喜愛．落淚的解讀

Wing：「我第一次覺得古巨基真係好靚仔」
nic：「嗯……ok 啦；我淨係識佢嘅舊歌」

開學前夕，拿著兩張「恩典」門劵跟友人看演唱會，再一次讓我記得我是如此喜歡辦live show的感覺（幕後是我最享受的崗位之一）。雖然我不是古巨基的歌迷，卻有幸坐在兩位歌迷身旁（我表妹和她的朋友仔），令我從別人的投入中學會了投入地欣賞一場表演。這讓我想起了暑假尾聲所讀的一本書，Donald Miller的Blue Like Jazz，作品面向的觀眾群包括："For anyone wondering if the Christian faith is still relevant in a post-modern culture, For anyone thirsting for a genuine encounter with a God ho is real, For anyone yearning for a renewed sense of passion in life..."

我讀此書卻是因為朋友推介和開首的author's note，他這樣寫：

I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes.

After that I liked jazz music.

Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.

雖然我喜歡爵士樂的原因正是因為它似完未完、模稜兩可的結尾，但我對Miller看法深感共鳴－－因看見了別人怎樣愛，然後漸漸學懂去愛。

翌日在收音機聽到各大娛樂頭條均指表演嘉賓周慧敏的一句「你辛苦了」令基仔淚如雨下，我頗為錯愕。我總覺得，是很多年獨自在大海航行的孤單，不被瞭解的執著，不曾給世俗接納的一些孩子氣的想法，久違了的真心話，好友的擁抱……這一切一切，讓他落淚。單單是辛苦不足以令我哭，患病中的我也甚少因為痛而落淚；但倘若有一刻我意識到自己的痛苦一點價值也沒有，我便再沒有活下去的勇氣。這些關鍵時刻也並非不曾出現過，但神每次也提醒我："it is Me who define who you are，你的價值從我而來"……然後翻騰的海浪慢慢平靜，細聽那熟悉的、造物者的微聲。

也順道貼上純粹「曬命」的演唱會片段（特別鳴謝Wing借出她的相機和送我們恩典門劵的神秘人）


沒有跟歌迷們搶握手的位置；如斯場面，旁觀也感滿足


能夠再次聽側田唱live卻是意料之外


延伸閱讀：

愛自己．煲 it yourself

重返校園的生活，就是每天比上班族早一點擠進地鐵車廂，被動地成為各大商品廣告的對象。前陣子幾乎每天都站在這周大福廣告跟前候車，讀著鑽石旁邊那句彷如命令一般的「biy」，我驚覺自己在不知不覺間已承襲了上一代的價值觀，彷彿跟時下的新女性隔了一道鴻溝……

讀semiotics的日子有一份作業要求我們「讀」一篇廣告，並仔細分析其中每一個符號如何加強所推銷的商品的說服力；當時我選了Dior新出的Addict香水廣告，愈寫愈驚訝廣告背後的「邪惡軸心」（我當時認定是consumerism和capitalism）竟可以如斯輕易地攻佔我們的思想領域以至價值觀。場地轉換，境況如一；由北美到亞洲，我們都喝著廣告奶水成長。我想，倘若我有足夠的經濟能力，會否就毫不猶豫地遵行「周大福大人」的命令，buy it(a diamond) your(my)self？

回院復診看報告的前夕，忽爾多愁善感起來；是周大福的廣告讓我想起一些病榻上寫過的扎記：

As I started cleaning my room this week,there was a moment I just stopped and stared at the two lipsticks and three bottles of cream in my drawer, as if I did not know how they once found their way in my life. I used to pride myself on resisting the world’s fashion trends and cosmetic craze. But at that moment I realized I am not so different from those who willingly spend their entire paycheck on makeup and clothes. I do care about how people think of me (duh?!), I just knew.

Pausing longer for a second time, I try to let my feelings penetrate me. I thought about my graduation --- the very first time I put on mascara, about dressing up in my cousin’s room, and about losing weight during my undergrad years. These all seem so irrelevant now, just like the two lipsticks and three bottles of cream in my drawer, ready to be put aside.

There must be a second I complained about having to go through chemotherapy, but that second passed without further detour. I was left, surprisingly, with a sense of relief. I don’t need my hair, any makeup, or a ‘perfect body figure’ to convince myself that I’m God’s beloved masterpiece --- that which He saw “was good”. You can’t imagine what kind of a relief that is.

那時的我，漸漸開始跟身旁的新女性們分道揚鑣，以另一套價值觀為伍。

父母外遊的日子，雖短暫，卻叫我珍惜每一天的獨處時光。若要我演繹此刻的「愛自己．biy」，可能會是「愛自己．煲 it yourself」；就像今天，逛逛還沒有被拆掉的嘉咸街街市，買些簡單的菜，煮一窩青紅蘿蔔豬骨湯。沒有鑽石，但有一份久違了，簡樸的滿足。

（謝謝auntie Winnie願意伴我赴明早的「瑪麗之約」，也謝謝天父在電光火石間提醒我要學習「被竉的藝術」）

旅行的意義

太累的時候，看一看曾經遊歷的地方，讓我提醒自已，不要把小許的痛苦無限放大。本身不是個喜怒形於色的小腳色，所以別人看來還沒兩樣。發自骨中的累在年月間已學會在我臉上找著自己的舞台，所以當你見到它們時，請不要驚訝，也不用告訴我；作為它們多年的宿主，我習慣了。

請原諒我一視同仁地拒絕了所有事奉的邀請。在你們看來，漫長的暑假應該已足夠給我充電了吧，一個多麼奢侈、多麼令人羡慕的「休息」；或者，放了這悠長假期還沒有復原的人應該被處死，那，就讓我死掉吧，我死不足惜。

這麼多年，我已放棄了解釋為何我比別人需要更多空間獨處，因為他們怎樣看是不重要的……也許，我應該告訴他們這幾星期間在我身體所發生的毛病，也告訴他們那個剛辭世的朋友在我心靈泛起的漣漪，甚至讓他們也知道昨天差點在街上痛得昏厥的驚險事故（謝謝那個冷漠的清潔工人沒有召救護車，我不想一週內三度進院）……但發自骨中的累在年月間已學會使我變得沉默。

旅行的意義，是這趟旅程的一些點滴，本以為我可以裝得很輕鬆地跟你分享，抱歉！

病床前．眼淚的聯想

"Yesterday, 12 September 2007, it was a beautiful day. The weather was very nice. The sky was blue, and the sun was warm.

In the early morning I took the taxi with LI Kar Yee going to the Queen Mary Hospital, to see Wu Cheuk Nam, a talented composer and our beloved friend. Kar Yee and I didn’t talk much to each other on the taxi but with a sense of understanding. She was busy in sending SMS and making phone calls to inform the people about Nam.

******

At 10:34am of my watch, Nam’s heartbeat showed on the machine dropped suddenly but the amplitude became surprisingly much bigger. The heartbeat dropped from 128, to 110, 90, 70, 50, 30, 22…., then to 0 finally within only 30 seconds, then without any amplitude. There were only two straight lines on the display. I knew he is leaving us, he is leaving this world, or perhaps he has started a new life in somewhere we don’t know. I asked the nurse to come. She looked at the machine for a while then asked us all to leave the room for their necessary routine."

from Clarence Mak's (head of composition, APA) letter upon Nam's departure


事實上，我們的眼淚，不曾為別人而流。

他們的遭遇，他們的苦痛，在電光火石間觸動了我們記憶中的某個片段、某種感覺，於是我們以眼淚回應這片刻的繫上。

即便對神，我們的眼淚也只是一個傷痕累累的人因突然被擁抱而溢出來的一種深深不配得的情感。

我們為自己而哭，這眼淚卻是被動的。

我不希望自已不知道，我沒有「為他」而哭，我們也沒有「為了他們的……」而流淚；我只能說，他讓我哭了，為了自記憶中的某個片段、某種感覺而哭了，沒有他，我可能不會流淚，但我沒有為他哭。

我情願我可以為了別人而哭，我卻看到了我的限制。死亡和眼淚，從來都不是浪漫的事情。