病床前．眼淚的聯想

"Yesterday, 12 September 2007, it was a beautiful day. The weather was very nice. The sky was blue, and the sun was warm.

In the early morning I took the taxi with LI Kar Yee going to the Queen Mary Hospital, to see Wu Cheuk Nam, a talented composer and our beloved friend. Kar Yee and I didn’t talk much to each other on the taxi but with a sense of understanding. She was busy in sending SMS and making phone calls to inform the people about Nam.

******

At 10:34am of my watch, Nam’s heartbeat showed on the machine dropped suddenly but the amplitude became surprisingly much bigger. The heartbeat dropped from 128, to 110, 90, 70, 50, 30, 22…., then to 0 finally within only 30 seconds, then without any amplitude. There were only two straight lines on the display. I knew he is leaving us, he is leaving this world, or perhaps he has started a new life in somewhere we don’t know. I asked the nurse to come. She looked at the machine for a while then asked us all to leave the room for their necessary routine."

from Clarence Mak's (head of composition, APA) letter upon Nam's departure


事實上，我們的眼淚，不曾為別人而流。

他們的遭遇，他們的苦痛，在電光火石間觸動了我們記憶中的某個片段、某種感覺，於是我們以眼淚回應這片刻的繫上。

即便對神，我們的眼淚也只是一個傷痕累累的人因突然被擁抱而溢出來的一種深深不配得的情感。

我們為自己而哭，這眼淚卻是被動的。

我不希望自已不知道，我沒有「為他」而哭，我們也沒有「為了他們的……」而流淚；我只能說，他讓我哭了，為了自記憶中的某個片段、某種感覺而哭了，沒有他，我可能不會流淚，但我沒有為他哭。

我情願我可以為了別人而哭，我卻看到了我的限制。死亡和眼淚，從來都不是浪漫的事情。