讀semiotics的日子有一份作業要求我們「讀」一篇廣告，並仔細分析其中每一個符號如何加強所推銷的商品的說服力；當時我選了Dior新出的Addict香水廣告，愈寫愈驚訝廣告背後的「邪惡軸心」（我當時認定是consumerism和capitalism）竟可以如斯輕易地攻佔我們的思想領域以至價值觀。場地轉換，境況如一；由北美到亞洲，我們都喝著廣告奶水成長。我想，倘若我有足夠的經濟能力，會否就毫不猶豫地遵行「周大福大人」的命令，buy it(a diamond) your(my)self？
回院復診看報告的前夕，忽爾多愁善感起來；是周大福的廣告讓我想起一些病榻上寫過的扎記：
As I started cleaning my room this week,there was a moment I just stopped and stared at the two lipsticks and three bottles of cream in my drawer, as if I did not know how they once found their way in my life. I used to pride myself on resisting the world’s fashion trends and cosmetic craze. But at that moment I realized I am not so different from those who willingly spend their entire paycheck on makeup and clothes. I do care about how people think of me (duh?!), I just knew.
Pausing longer for a second time, I try to let my feelings penetrate me. I thought about my graduation --- the very first time I put on mascara, about dressing up in my cousin’s room, and about losing weight during my undergrad years. These all seem so irrelevant now, just like the two lipsticks and three bottles of cream in my drawer, ready to be put aside.
There must be a second I complained about having to go through chemotherapy, but that second passed without further detour. I was left, surprisingly, with a sense of relief. I don’t need my hair, any makeup, or a ‘perfect body figure’ to convince myself that I’m God’s beloved masterpiece --- that which He saw “was good”. You can’t imagine what kind of a relief that is.
那時的我，漸漸開始跟身旁的新女性們分道揚鑣，以另一套價值觀為伍。
父母外遊的日子，雖短暫，卻叫我珍惜每一天的獨處時光。若要我演繹此刻的「愛自己．biy」，可能會是「愛自己．煲 it yourself」；就像今天，逛逛還沒有被拆掉的嘉咸街街市，買些簡單的菜，煮一窩青紅蘿蔔豬骨湯。沒有鑽石，但有一份久違了，簡樸的滿足。
（謝謝auntie Winnie願意伴我赴明早的「瑪麗之約」，也謝謝天父在電光火石間提醒我要學習「被竉的藝術」）
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